F*uck You!!

One of my core values is being considerate of others. So when that value is violated—like when someone leaves their shopping cart in a parking stall even though the return is a few steps away, or when I get cut off in traffic—expletives used to follow.

I was reading (that’s a lie—I was listening to) Master of Change, and it introduced the idea of reacting vs. responding. Reacting is leaning into the immediate emotion. Responding is being conscious, thoughtful, and deliberate.

When my son was about three, we were driving and someone cut me off. I screamed, “F*ck you!!” Almost immediately, I realized not just the word I used, but the rage behind it. I looked in the rearview mirror to see my son’s reaction. I didn’t notice anything, so I felt like I had dodged a bullet.

A few months later, we were driving again, and I heard a small voice from the backseat:

“Daddy, what is f*ck?”

I asked, “Where did you hear that word?”

“You said it before when we were driving.”

From that moment on, I decided I needed to get better at responding rather than reacting.

Anger and rage are the easiest emotions to use when explaining the difference between reacting and responding, but the concept also applies to fear and self-doubt. This is a topic I regularly discuss with the athletes I work with.

We walk through a series of questions:

• What is your desired outcome for today’s practice or tournament?

• What do you need to do to achieve that outcome?

• What can you do if Plan A isn’t working?

• What other obstacles might be present?

  
  

These questions help athletes start with intention and gives them the ability to pivot or zoom out—to respond—while still contributing to the desired outcome.

I’ve experienced this both as a player and as a coach. I’ve seen athletes struggle offensively and react by telling the setter (or me) not to set them anymore. That’s reacting to self-doubt instead of responding with a Plan B.

On the other hand, I’ve witnessed athletes channel their energy into supporting teammates when they’re struggling. This does two important things: it keeps the environment positive and shifts energy outward instead of inward. Inward-focused energy can often leads to overthinking.

Where can you respond instead of react?

And how can you help those you coach or influence do the same?